Domestic Paradise, bliss, or plain Hell?

by developmentaliste

The other day, one of my classfellows from Pakistan liked a video link on facebook about a woman scorned along with her family beating up her cheating husband with a shoe. The woman he had an affair with was also publicly humiliated. The video was from AlJazeera. It was an amusing video because usually it is the cheating wife, or allegedly cheating wife who gets beaten up or stoned. Unless she gets international civil society support, such cases are blatantly overlooked, contributing to the already fragile state of sanity for the world’s suffering women.

The same day, I read in one of the free newspapers a few responses to a letters to the editor regarding David Cameron saying that absent fathers should take responsibility for their fatherhood, pay up with child allowances and be more present in the child’s upbringing. In response to this news item someone wrote a letter to the paper complaining about not mentionin cheating mothers/ wives, who abandon their husbands and children for richer men. Why are these kind of mothers not held accountable for their absence, why are they not made to contribute more financially and through their presence. These cases exist.

Happy homes get ruined by the callous mother who wants to pursue an independent career, not that there is anything wrong with that, or whose current husband somehow lacks the same kind of ambition of his wife, so she dumps him for someone maybe younger, or, just as ambitious as her. With time, hard work, and working the system,  she gets the business empire she craves, along with the stamp of being an enterprising mother figure to look up to, for other women to follow. Then there are the mothers, wives who were happily married to a devoted husband and father. His flaw being he likes a snack on his business trips. With a wife who used to have an active, independent social life before marriage, many are lucky to get well-educated, loyal husbands with good jobs, who are committed to the marriage and the entire family set up.

In my experience when these women settles down, and have children, they always seem to crave their former lives. To a certain extent it’s natural, but they should accept that this was life then, now they are at another life stage and the rules of the game are different. However, so should the men, but then again, it is a Man’s world. It is the woman, wife, mother who makes the house go around, and this has nothing to do with being from the East or West. Nonetheless, the excuse often goes that when he goes for a snack, so will she. Usually due to the husband’s status, the wife gets access to the well-educated and well-connected snacks. It happens the wife gets caught and gets off with a few warnings. However, the day eventually comes when there will be no more warnings and the careless wife gets unwillingly kicked out. Of course, the man is not blameless, but as mentioned above, it is a Man’s world and unless women play along the tunes of men there is no place for them in the larger sphere of affairs. If the husband is well-educated and has a good job, not to mention good looking and a good father, the sensible ones usually overlook the flaws and focus on the benefits. This has nothing to do with maschocism or subjugation, but the nature of relationships and the give and take of life, which is imbalanced.

Going back to the response letter to the editor regarding gold digging absent mothers, I was reminded of an incident I was told about. The wife is relatively good looking, mother to a cute kid. The husband is well-educated with a good job in the corporate sector, has relatively nice features, but bubbly-wubbly humpty dumpty fat. Some men have a thing for married women with small kids, or maybe they just want revenge for what happened to them when they were happily married and some man came along and sullied their marital bed behind their backs. Now, when you have a humpty dumpty dumpling for a husband, and someone smarter and more fit comes along, it is normal to get tempted. Temptation is another fact of life which experience is supposed to cure, but then commonsense is not so common after all. Anyhow, who knows what might come out of it right?

With discretion, focus, a lot of female magnetism, creativity and sweetness she can catch the guy, get a commitment, subsequently divorce the humpy dumpty dumpling, marry the smarty guy and live a life in luxury and sheer bliss. However, sometimes, an affair doesn’t last, because some men are not interested in raising another man’s child and perhaps don’t want to live with the guilt of messing up a child’s life. Or they just don’t like children unless they are their own because they are a part of them.

There are many reasons. They were just passing time, a memorable time. They genuinely liked the woman, but only for a while, only for a purpose. Who knows, maybe they made themselves clear to the woman “scorned” that it would only be for a while, but the time spent together will be memorable. Whatever the reasons, whatever the incentives, whatever the feelings and efforts invested in a relationship, people should think about the pros and cons of any relation. Marriage is a sacred-legal institution, not something to be taken lightly.

True, often it simply doesn’t work out, sometimes the husband was a remorseless lying cheat who left you with all the bills and financial troubles to sort out, while he got the house, the assets and everything. Sometimes she was the culprit. If he is a wobbly-bubbly humpty dumpty, get him to lose weight. If he doesn’t bother blame him then. Even if he is hard working with a desk job, there is no excuse not to keep fit. Similarly, if he looks after you, listens to you, let’s you have your space, follow your interests and meet your friends, and most importantly, trusts you, what excuse does the wife have to sneak an outsider into the marital bed just because he is more appealing than your spouse? Unless he is a conceited, greedy, stingy disrespectful prick who refuses to change, there is no excuse, and in that case maybe divorce is a better option. Looks don’t change, if you found him unattractive when the proposal came to you or when you married him, you should had said something then. Getting caught up in clandestine affairs, hoping the lover will give you a commitment so you can leave your husband is not the answer. Unless you are lucky enough and that is the eventual outcome. But then what about the child/children?

A Russian friend once told me her mother said ‘when a man leaves his wife for another woman, don’t blame the man because he is just being himself, blame the woman for making him look elsewhere’. To this I will add, the same goes for men. If you want to avoid your wife looking elsewhere, for goodness sake do something about your weight amongst many things. I don’t believe men are blameless. Rather, I believe they are the cause of most troubles, however, marriage is neither bliss or hell, it is a necessity for the continuation of culture, values and norms; i.e. society as we know it. Most long lasting marriages experience affairs on both sides, temporary separations, but they survive due to mutual respect, understanding, forgiveness, learning from mistakes and by looking out for each other. Most importantly, they believe in the marriage, and you must live life to be best of your ability and make the most of the choices you make in life.